January 10, 2017

Snow White Lies

I know what she is thinking:
"At least this apple is zero points....".
It has been awhile since I posted. I kept meaning to, but I kept getting side tracked or didn't really have anything to say. Or didn't have anything I felt was worth posting. And then "the blog" became another burden. The LAST thing in the world I want this to be is a burden. This is something I want to do...I love to do...I need to do. I need to write. I have hope that it helps me and hopefully other people. And if not, well, so be it.

Last night, my husband and I had a long conversation about a lot of things, but one of the things was around food. It just sort of just popped up. I didn't mean for it to come up, but it just did. And as soon as I started talking, it just all came out. Stuff I didn't even realize I was carrying.  I finally put the bags down.

During training for the marathon, I ate a lot, but I was burning off a ton of calories. It was kind of like my permission to eat, just like I had permission to eat when I was pregnant or nursing. Only this time because of all the calories I was burning, I stayed relatively in my healthy weight range.

But since my structure via a detailed excel spreadsheet that tells me what to do when and for how long  my training ended, I've been in this weird binge-y thing. I eat a good breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner and finish each meal satisfied, full.  I don't need to eat more.  But then the post-dinner thing happens. I really don't want to eat after I put the kids to bed, but I am afraid I'll be hungry later, so I keep going back to the pantry for a few more handfuls of something before heading upstairs. It isn't junk, but if we had junk, I would be eating it.

Once they are in bed, I make bargains with myself:

"Ok, you can have corn bread or a1/2 bagel."  


Then I eat the 1/2 bagel. 

"You can run it off tomorrow."  "

But you already promised you'd run off the spoonful of nutella."

Screw it, just eat the damn 1/2 bagel.  You're fine.

Then I think it would taste even better with butter.  So I add butter to the other 1/2 bagel. Not even toasted, because 1.) it would take too long to wait and 2.) toasting produces a wonderful aroma and then I would be "caught"...like anyone would care if I toasted and ate 1/2 or a whole or a bag full of bagels with butter. So essentially, this proves that this isn't about enjoyment since CLEARLY a toasted bagel is WAY better than a plain 5 day old one.

The next morning, I weigh myself and see that the scale hasn't changed from the day before. I sigh a relief that  at least in didn't go up, then beat myself up in the shower, promise to write everything down today. But I don't write anything down.  I eat ok at work (packed lunches), come home in the evening and the whole cycle begins again. 

As I explain all this with tears streaming down my face, in shame and in thinking  he is going to think I want to lose more weight thing when I am at a healthy weight (oh there's the judgement again!), or that I am obsessing over food when I there are way more important things to focus on, he says, with no judgement in his voice: "Why didn't you tell me you were going through all this?  I am sad you didn't talk to me about this."

Thud. That was my heart, not my head.

It isn't the eating that bothered him - he could care less what I eat! It was the keeping it from him. The feelings. The eating. I kept not only the food stuff a secret, but the feelings around it too. Why is it that I felt the need to go through all this struggle on my own, internally, in secret?

I know what is going on. I know this is just a cover-up of some bigger things lurking. 

Training for the marathon was a lifesaver in terms of structure. But it also distracted me from other un-resolved issues. The marathon is done now. No structure, so eating is the task. I know there are some stresses and issues that I am struggling with and food either tastes better than the ick inside, provides something to do (bored eater?) or is even a bit of self-sabotage of all the "work" I did to get at this weight.  

All these things also come at a time when I started reading Anne Lamott's Grace (Eventually).  Perfect timing really. The other day I read this passage and was reminded of it today:  
"No matter how much of our time is spent in pursuit of physical beauty, even to great success, the Mirror on the Wall will always say, ‘Snow White lives’, and this in fact is a lie – Snow White is a fairy tale. Lies cannot nourish or protect you. Only freedom from fear, freedom from lies, can bake us beautiful, and keep us safe."
She goes on:
“To step into beauty, does one have to give up on losing a little weight? No, of course not. Only if you’re sick of suffering. Because if you cannot see that you’re okay now, you won’t be able to see it if you lose twenty pounds. It’s an inside job.” 
I have an inside job to do. And maybe by writing this down, I can let some of it go.  It isn't in secret when you post it on a blog.

"...and the truth will set you free." John 8:32
"'And may the free make others free'" from Anne Lamott

December 02, 2014

Food Bank Finalists. Can you help click?

My dad has been working flat-out for his local Food Bank, located at The Good Shepherd UCC. Can you help his food bank get a van by clicking a link? State=AZ. Food bank = Good Shepherd
From dad:
"We handed out 300 turkeys and all the trimmings this Thanksgiving, and have fed 2000 distinct individuals this year through the food bank.
We have been named finalists for a $20,000 grant which we want to use to purchase a van. The van will be used to intercept the food stream in the Nogales area, where 40 % of the produce in the distribution center gets culled and thrown into the landfill. Most of it is wonderfully fresh food.
We are one of 170 agencies named as finalists, and 75 will receive $20,000 grants-- IF we can get enough people to vote for our bank. You do that through the attached link.
Now the grant is offered by Walmart (I know that causes angst for many people, and it is ironic that we are feeding some of the very people that should be paid better by Walmart) but we are trying to stay open not to the pedigree of this money, but to its destiny. Fully 25 % of the children in our area are food insecure, and we are making a huge dent in the problem. But without transportation for the food, we keep running out.
The voting happens today through Dec 12, and you can vote once each day-- click on the link below, scroll down and type AZ in the search field. The Good Shepherd is one of the two banks in Arizona that are finalists. The link goes through Facebook, which they use to prevent you from voting more than once a day. But you can vote each Facebook account in your household once EVERY day until the 12th."
Thank you so much!!!

July 07, 2014

Loving my closet.


I’m terribly embarrassed at how I let my closet go. But what better place to free myself of my embarrassment of my closet than to let it all *hang* out than in theouteraisle; the place where shame melts away and brutiful truth telling takes her place.

I am sure that there are other people that feel this way about their closets, but we don't always talk about them, let alone show them in the raw bright day of light. I believe that the more we talk about the messiness we feel around our closets, the better we will feel and most importantly, we will take action to both accept the way our closets are AND make positive changes.

Over the last several months, I prioritized other things above my closet and I haven’t been taking good care of her as you can plainly see. The things that I have been putting in my closet have been dirty and not cared for; crumpled, frayed and blah. I know what it could be, but I just haven’t had the energy.

Because I haven't had the energy, I haven’t planned out my outfits for weeks. I haven’t kept up on sorting the good clothes from the bad; which means my outfits have been getting sloppier and sloppier.  My clothes have been less appealing and I have been wearing the same thing over and over, sometimes even wearing clothes picked up from off the floor. Clearly, I haven’t respected closet and her gift; what she was made for.

I had enough. 

I hit the tipping point. 

I want to wear the outfits that make me feel good and keep me motivated to be my best self.  

So this weekend I did a major overhaul of the clothes I typically wear. I got rid of clothes I didn't need; I planned out outfits I love and that make me feel good; and I already am caring for and feel better about my closet.  Fantastic really!  I even got my daughter to help me this weekend with the clothes and planning outfits!  Because of this mental and physical shift, there is space in my closet for running, relaxing, working and reading. My closet feels so much more put together!  

For me, it is pretty much impossible to always wear clean clothes; Sometimes I just have to break down and wear a quick, unplanned outfit. However, it IS possible to wear cleanER clothes. 

I vow to look at my closet everyday and be grateful for the abundant clothes I have. And if I find myself frowning at my closet, if I treat it poorly, I will start again.  Every day is a new day.  

Now, read this WHOLE POST again and replace the following words:
closet = body
outfits = meals
clothes = food
wear = eat
It is truly amazing how when something like getting one’s food in order ends up affecting so much more in one’s life, like taking good care of one’s closet. 

Here is my closet today. 

July 02, 2014

Bounce back.

So hey. Long time.

It’s probably not a surprise that someone who has lost 60lbs, 3x over wouldn't stay at goal weight forever.

But I was kind of surprised. After maintaining for 3 ½ years, I started to see the scale creep back up. And it kept creeping and creeping….

Creepin Creeper

The thing is we are not here to strive for perfection; I believe we are here to live, love, and learn. And all of those things cannot happen without a few mistakes. The trick is how we respond to the mistake. When it comes to weight loss, often time the damage isn’t done when we slip up, but when we try to get BACK on plan.

How do you feel when you slip up?

For me, I get this ridiculous voice in my head that goes something like this:

“Just skip this meeting, lose the pounds you gained, get back to goal and THEN go.”

“Just one last hurrah before I go back on plan.”
“Just go once a month so you don’t have to pay EVERY time. (then go never.)”
“I’ll get up to run tomorrow when it is cooler.”
“I’m too busy to plan my meals.”
“It is going to take forever to get this weight off.”
“Go gluten free, that will work. Thank goodness chocolate is gluten free!”

So we slip up on occasion. Or in my case, slip up and try to get back on for a year.

When you break a dish, do you break the whole set? (The Napa house would be pretty P.O.’d if that were the case….)

How can you spot a slip?

For me, I notice when I stop tracking, stop “caring”, start isolating (Don’t Isolate! – ADT), or when the clothes get tight. I have been sliding for some time and I don’t want to go sliding to another weight gain. Instead, I grabbed on. I got myself back to meetings, got myself back on the boards talking with friends to keep me accountable and I am writing. Writing even when I am terribly embarrassed for gaining.

But this is a JOURNEY not a destination. That would be boring. On this journey I’ve tried new things like:

How to get back on track? 

  • Snap & TrackI’ve taken pictures of my food to show my girlfriends. (I’m not going to eat that because I do NOT want my beloved accountable partner to see I ate THAT!)
  • Text a friend – when I feel frustrated or anxious, instead of isolating and heading to the pantry, I reach out. 
  • Go to meetings – I’ve gone to 7 straight meetings and on one meeting I knew it was going to be a tough weigh in, so I skipped the weigh in and just went to the meeting. In my 11 years at WW, I have never skipped a WI and stayed for a meeting . Before, I’d skip the meeting all together or weigh in and dash out. It finally dawned on me that going past the weigh in counter and sitting in the chair for a meeting is more important than the 10 seconds on the scale. 
  • Track everything or Simple Start – I had a lovely girls weekend this weekend (In NAPA!!!!) and I was really, really tempted to not track. To just throw in the towel and face plant into the pizza, blueberry French toast, curry chicken, caramels, brownies, wine, wine, wine. Besides, I was running 13.1 miles --- who needs to track???!! But I did. I knew it was going to be bad. I had 3 more than 40 P+ days (I get 26P+), but I managed to still lose. If I didn’t track, I’m sure I would have kept eating without regard to the full feelings, because it all tasted do darn good. But now, I remember it tasting good, not the gross feeling of an overeaten-overfilled stomach.

All this paid off. I got to celebrate today with two new charms as I hit my 25lb loss since I first joined WW and for finishing my 9th half marathon this weekend (whoohooo!) 

OK sweetpeas, what is one piece of advice you would like to give yourself to get back on track?

May 26, 2014

A Time For Everything - Boston Run to Remember

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven....A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. - Ecclesiastes 3: 1,4

Me and 12,000 runners ran through the normally bumper to bumper streets of Boston yesterday. I planned on treating this as a "supported training run" for the Zooma Napa Valley Half I am running with my awesome C25K grads in June.  It was supposed to be a run 4 minutes walk 2 minutes for the 13.1 miles.  A time for walking a time for running.

The first beep went off during mile one and I ignored it. I kept one earbud in only, which I really liked because I got the best of both worlds...music and the ambiance of the race.  I think I will do that more often.

I did think that I would pay for skipping the walks by the end, but I also thought if I started walking early I might bail on the whole thing.  I actually did figure out that at mile 4 and; 5 I could run from MIT down Mass Ave the 4.2 miles to church and my car if I needed to.... 

Instead, I ran to the first water stop walked through the stop then kept going figuring I'd see how I felt an hour in. I kept at a regular pace so I finished 5 miles in about an hour. By then with every beep I just skipped it and kept running walking only through the water stations. And one up hill. So I think that was 10 walks total.  I hit mile 8 thinking, I did 8 last week....Easy peasy. Mile 3-8.9 had me really wishing the lines weren't so long at the port a john's before the race. I've never skipped before. So mile 9 with all the gatorade sloshing around made it an emergency at mile 9. Eek! I hit mile 10 around 2 hours and knew I could finish. I thought I'd do the run walk thing in the last 3, but kept going.  I finished it in 2:40:01.  Literally :01 second over 2 hours and 40 minutes.  I tried to book it to get under 2:40.  That said, considering I haven't run double digits since October, I'll take it.   Besides, I was all a glow afterwards.  I'd forgotten just how awesome a long run feels.  

Boston's Run to Remember is so interesting to me not because of the run or the location or the time of year, but because of the race itself.   

The race is hosted by the Boston Police Runner's club to remember the fallen officers.  There are many group volunteers at the water stations, at the venue, including officers and incarcerated volunteers. The race is to honor the fallen and the proceeds goes to community and programs to keep kids off the streets and safe.  This paradox reminds me of Ecclesiastes 3. At a recent church council meeting we read out loud (I agree with Lillian Daniel) and then prayed a fortunately/unfortunately prayer in the vain of Remy Charlip's Fortunately. 
Fortunately, Ned was invited to a surprise party.
Unfortunately, the party was a thousand miles away. 
Fortunately, a friend loaned Ned an airplane.
Unfortunately, the motor exploded. 
Fortunately, there was a parachute in the airplane.
Unfortunately, there was a hole in the parachute. 
Anyway, Boston Run's to Remember felt like Ned's adventure, like church council meditation, like Ecclesiastes 3.....  

Unfortunately we have a prison system that often keeps people in a vicious cycle; fortunately the inmates had a beautiful day to be outside. Fortunately we were supported by volunteers and I tried to thank every one no matter what shirt they were wearing ---bright orange or dressed blues---unfortunately some go home to prison. Fortunately we have a 13.1 run in Boston. Unfortunately it is to commemorate lives lost.

This is my 3rd one and every year I wonder about running it...thinking about those in my family who are cops and those in my family who have been to prison.

Lots to think about, lots to pray about, lots to remember on a long run through Boston.

How I looked pre-race.
A time for confidence. 
How I felt pre-race.
A time for insecurity.

For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

9What do people really get for all their hard work? 10I have seen the burden God has placed on us all.11Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. 12So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. 13And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.