Shut the Should Up, People.

And by people, I mean me.

Over the last several months I have been quietly gaining weight. Ok, quietly as in I didn’t broadcast it over a blog, facebook or twitter. In my head I have been screaming. A lot.

But something happened recently to quiet the screams.

I gave up shoulding for Lent. (A practice I plan to keep beyond Lent.)  

I told the self that was berating me…you know the one that seems to scream at me every morning in the shower that I *should* be tracking my food intake, that I *shouldn't* eat after 7 or 8 or 9 or midnight, and to promise not to today, I *should* be a more patient mom, to whatever that shouldy voice was telling me….

Well, I told her to shut the should up.

Instead, I started to ask her, what would you say if someone, not me, came to you and was struggling? Would you berate them with shoulds? Would you dare speak to them the way you talk to me, to yourself, every day?

That got her to shutty.

Instead, we had a long chat. Or at least pen to paper chat.  I wrote her a letter so she would be quiet and just listen. I asked her to bring out her kind voice when she spoke to me. Stern at times, sure, fine, but not berating. I said it was still ok to continue to plan the day and think while taking a shower, but she was not to give me any guff about what the scale said. Ever. Again.

Unless of course she was talking about the sticker over the number.

Peeled back, it is still true.

Sidebar: That sticker "You are BEAUTIFUL! <3 <3 <3" was one handed out to all of us at Drag Ball Sunday at our beautiful church in Somerville. Because yes, we ARE beautiful and it is a good reminder.  Especially on the when standing on the scale.

Of course that doesn't stop me from peeling back the sticker to see THE NUMBER.  But I'd rather the sticker remind me what my spouse tells me everyday and truly believe it, than see a number and change that feeling. 

Back to the voices or lack there of in my head.  When I told her to bring out her kind voice, you know what happened? I feel lighter. And the scale is going down. Slowly, but I am ok with that. And the runs are increasing.  And my patience while still needs some work….especially after the 3rd pajama change and 4th request for water before bed…I am calmer.

Thank you Kind Voice.  You can stay past the 40 days of Lent (or rather 46, because of ALL days, Sundays are certainly not a day of shoulds, Lent or no Lent!)

Thank you Kind voice for not berating and reminding me I am just fine. Beautiful in fact.

We all are.

Sing it Mary J.

Let it go……
Can’t let this thing called love get away from you
Feel free right now, going do what you want to do
Can’t let nobody take it away, from you, from me, from we
No time for moping around, are you kidding?
And no time for negative vibes, cause I’m winning
It’s been a long week, I put in my hardest
Gonna live my life, feels so good to get it right

So I like what I see when I’m looking at me
When I’m walking past the mirror
No stress through the night, at a time in my life
Ain’t worried about if you feel it
Got my head on straight, I got my mind right
I aint gonna let you kill it
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..

FINE.