No words.

Raw. Hurt. Angry. Teary. Shock. Annoyed. Worried. Relieved. Blessed. Angry. Tired. Drained. Angry. Confused. Shocked. Angry. Relieved.

Over and over again yesterday and today, all these emotions were rushing through me. Through so many of us. Yesterday started on a joyful note as I got an email from my dear friend Sarah entitled: "Happy Boston-versary!" saying that me and the Boston Marathon are forever linked in her mind. How much has changed in 48 hours.

Shock as we turned on the TV staring. Confusion as we watched in horror. Boston? on Patriot's Day? Marathon Monday? Why? Relieved as I looked up runners I knew were running and seemed to be safe enough away from the finish line having crossed or not crossed but away from the blasts.

Relief as I viewed fb post after fb post of friends letting friends know through tags and through comments and emails that they were ok. Blessed at the number of people concerned for me and my own family!

Then more anger. Sadness. Anger. This is our town. Our race. Our community.

I don't know what you do when you feel angry, but I turn to someone who has helped me recognize my anger: Thich Nhat Hanh.

"Breathe to take care of your anger" he says. To me this is so fascinating because as a runner, I know when I hit the sweet spot and want to run on and on and on, when my breathing clicks.

He states:

"When the energy of anger, jealousy, or despair manifests in us, we should know how to handle it, otherwise we will be overwhelmed by it and suffer tremendously."

I am going to assume that yesterday's and most if not all of these acts that harm and terrorize are rooted in anger, I refuse to allow my own anger to consume me and fan those flames.

Here are some exercises from TNH.
1. Contemplating a person in anger, I breathe in. Seeing the suffering of that person, I breathe out.
2. Contemplating the damage from anger to self and others, I breathe in. Seeing that anger burns and destroys happiness, I breathe out.
3. Seeing the roots of anger in wrong perceptions and ignorance, breathe in. Smiling to my wrong perceptions and ignorance, I breathe out.
4. Seeing myself burned by the fire of anger, I breathe in. Feeling compassion for myself and others burning with anger, I breathe out.

Lastly, when I ran Boston 2 years ago, I ran for life,for saving lives through the work that Dana-Farber does here in Boston. I have a reverence for life, and I take this vow:

Reverence for Life
"Aware of the suffering caused and the destruction of life, I vow to cultivate compassion and learn ways to protect the lives of people, animals, plants, and minerals. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to condone any act of killing in the world, in my thinking, or in my way of life."


I run for the joy that it brings. For life. And I will keep running tomorrow for all those that can't.
Boston Joy.

The Closest To Us

My daughter is something special. I know everyone says that about their children, and they should, and my daughter is definitely something special.

Tonight after a fantastic day, a decent enough bedtime, she was feeling frustrated and used a naughty word. She could tell it pushed my buttons, so she used it 3 more times. Rrrrrrrrrrrr.....

I walked out of the room. Partly to show I wouldn't stand for being pushed around, but in prt because I needed a cooling off period. Tearfully, she came out to get me, I was stern and I tucked her back into her bed and she let go of some emotions that had been bugging her at school. (Lots of transitions, teacher starting maternity leave, 5 yr olds learning how to be kind to one another, etc.)

Iz: xxxx was mean to me at school.
Me: oh?
Iz: yeah.
Me: maybe xxxx is lonely and isn't sure how to say it? Do you feel lonely sometimes? Are you always kind? (Hindsight, I should have paused & listened more)
Iz: I'm always kind at school.
Me: what about to your brother?
Iz: no, but it's a long time to be with the same person.

(Yes, she really did say that.)

Me: Did you hear that somewhere?
Iz: No, it was just in my head.

And then she fell fast asleep.

Me, after picking my jaw up off the floor, realize just how true that is. Aren't we the meanest to the people closest to us? And the meanest to the person really closest to us....ourselves?


Before all this went downhill and then back on track, we spent some time at the Loving-kindness spa. LKS is the part two of our bedtime routine after she picks an age where I tell her a story from that time in my life. (Tonight she picked 8 for me. Also her brother's age).

Anyway, at the Loving Kindness Spa, Rose (aka me) is our stylist/ticklebacker/relaxation/whisper specialist. (I'm not surprised Iz picked that name for our specialist, since it is the name of someone special in her life.) At LKS we say kind things about ourselves, our friends and role play positive behaviors while pretending to get our hair done (it helps me get her tangles out....win!), get massages (we massage out the icky and not so great moments of the day) and whisper positive loving feelings while at LKS.

I really think that it was the LKS that made her feel comfortable enough to test the waters and talk about the icky things that were going on and the way to transition to that was to push my buttons after we were done at the LKS.

Maybe all of us need time at LKS and the best way to get though the mean feelings we feel toward ourselves (or others) and to get out of coping with food or booze or ______fill in the blank_____, is to book an appointment with Rose at the Loving-Kindness Spa.

I promise LKS is always open.

Twenty-two

My daughter and I started to play this game at bed time where she picks a number between zero and thirty-seven, (my current age) and I tell her a little bit of history from my life. I told her about the time when I was 9 and was in 4-H and trained a seeing eye dog for a year; 31 and met her for the first time; 0 and spent my first Thanksgiving making her Gramma think I was ready to be born only to make her wait another week; 11 and played Abigail Adams in my 5th grade school play (we had a great political discussion that night and she told me she voted at school....in a race "between the football player and Barack Obama." She said Barack Obama won. She couldn't remember the other guy....."PoopEye?" she asked.

Tonight she picked 22.

I told her about my time as a dog-walker, walking beagles and border collies and terriers and golden retrievers and yellow labs. I told her that I work with someone now that I was friends with at 22!

I didn't tell her I was 60 pounds overweight and sad and anxious and quit school for a year. I didn't tell her that walking dogs was what got me it of bed in the morning. I didn't tell her I was miserable in my skin and felt huge all the time, avoiding mirrors and beaches and hid cookies in my bedroom and ate Ben and Jerry's pints at a time and smoked Marlboro Reds.

Instead I told her the things that I know we have in common. I told her I read lots and lots of books and I read lots and lots of comics.

She lit up and hopped out of bed.

"Close your eyes"
She puts three books in my hand.
Her brand new issues of Spider girl.
(Only she calls her SpiderWoman. I love that!)
"Can we sort comics tomorrow?"
"I'd love to."

My weight, no matter what it was....no matter what it is....it does not define me. It doesn't define any of us. Our experiences do.

Be resilient. Reframe.

How do YOU reframe?

W2.D5 The Wrappers.

I'm on the train and I'm hungry. My mental check list is going .....

protein? can of tuna in my salad. check.
veggies? spinach salad. check.
good carbs? yep, granola. check.
water? ummmmm..... 2 coffees and one 11oz bottle according to my tracking.

Not good.

Fast forward 2 hours later, my dinner was bigger than normal and I totally failed the FLAB test and reached for the left over Easter candy. This time it was the F'n F. Kids wild before bed and bam. Wrappers everywhere!

But in trying to look on the positive side and how to handle these inevitable situations here is something we can do. While abstinence is best, sometime candy is too tempting. If you find yourself going for the candy, try this: leave the wrappers out so you can see how much you've eaten. Not as a punishment, but to track and move on.

On the bright side....

[imagine sounds of elephants running and lions fighting above our head]
Me: I'm self soothing with chocolate.
David: where did you find those?
Me: the bottom of the Easter basket. Want some?
David: No, but I had I know those were there earlier, they'd be gone.

Good deed for the day: I ate all the candy before anyone else did. :-/

Food Review.

We are starting a new segment on TheOuterAisle.

 Food reviews.

W2.D4. Is your why bigger than your but(t)?

Yesterday, I talked about my why. Why it is that I want to continue on this sometime arduous, sometimes rewarding journey. Love and Gratitude is the short answer, but it took some time to get there and I encourage you to find your short answer but really dig and get there the long way around.

Anyway, love and gratitude is great, but (butt) it doesn't shed the weight or cut my marathon time.

So, dear Christy, what does cut the weight or shed time off my PR?

One.step.at.a.time.

What is ONE thing, just ONE thing that you will commit to tomorrow, just tomorrow?

Here are some ideas:
Drink half your weight in ounces of water.
Take your lunch to work.
Eat the lunch you took to work.
Go to the gym.
Track your food for the day.
Dance with your kids and get all the sillies out.
Bring your sneakers to work, or put them by the door.
Use them.

Just pick one.

A colleague of mine used to say "if everything is important than nothing is." So for real, all you overachievers out there.....You are only to pick ONE!

W2.D3. My Why.

Yesterday I said I would share my "why" so here goes.

I don't ever want my children to hate their bodies like I hated my own.

I thought I wanted to lose weight so I could fit in my wedding dress. And I did, but I gained it back and then some with my first pregnancy. Then I wanted to fit back in my clothes so I lost weight again. But I gained even more back with pregnancy number 2, weighing 210 at my first weight watchers meeting AFTER my sweet baby girl was born.

Finally enough was enough.

I decided to lose weight (and keep it off) because I didn't want to suffer any more. I started this blog for me and for others so that they don't have to suffer in silence anymore either.

I hope one day if my children ever chose to read this blog/journal that they know that I love them with all my heart and I will do anything to keep them from suffering in this way. Don't get me wrong, they will suffer, everyone does, and I can't always protect them from suffering, but I hope it is not in this way. I hope they never hate themselves or their bodies.

Yet, while we all suffer, we all survive the same. And I want to SHOW them how to survive.

Survival = Love + Gratitude.

Survival starts with loving oneself. I want to show them that I love myself. That I love my body. That I am grateful for the body God gave me. To show my love and gratitude, I honor and treat my body with respect by feeding it good food, moving it, and letting it rest when it needs rest.

My why is because I want to show my children how to survive with love and gratitude.

What is yours?

Quick dinner idea.

Protein, check.
Greens, check.
Good carbs, check.

Chopped spinach, chopped apples, chopped left over pork (thank you David!), dried cranberries, light raspberry vinaigrette.

Sweet potato (6 minutes in a low power microwave)

Delish.

W2. Day 2. What is the Why?

Today, the Women's Networking Group at my place of work invited a speaker to talk to us about the importance if balance and healthy living. Yes, of course we all know that it is important, but this gentleman (yes, it was a man....I never understand why the featured speakers at many women's networking groups are men.....but whatever.) preached no processed foods, get enough sleep, move.

All these things we know. I know them. You know them, but change is hard.

The most important thing that Chris Johnson from On Target Living said, in my opinion was "make sure your WHY is bigger than your butt."

Here is the thing, all of us want to look and feel good, but is that what gets us to change? Many of us want more energy, to get off medications, to live longer, but that STILL doesn't answer WHY we want to break habits and make a new change.

So our task for today is to really think about WHY we want to make a change. And ask yourself, is that WHY big enough to actually do it?

What is your why? I'll tell you mine tomorrow..... Stay tuned. Until then,

Onward!

W2 Day 1. The weigh in.

The scale and I have a love hate relationship. On the one hand, I am a total data girl, I love tracking information, and if you think about it, our bodies are like machines producing lots and lots of information. Hook us up to a counter/ tracker/scale and we will deliver. I've tracked distance, steps, pounds, heart rate, mood, repetitions, calories, points, weight...my height stays the same for now and I will take calcium every night to keep it that way! It isn't just about tracking, but then analyzing what we tracked.

So today, after a long Easter weekend with lots of Easter events, some I tracked and some I lazily tracked ( in my head till I lost count) which really isn't tracking, I am not surprised at the scale.

I had a gain this week.

But the scale is not me. It is not my mood. It is what it is and I will not let it dictate my mood.

Done.

So today's Easter morning task is to drink plenty of water and going on a mini-detox, getting rid of all the salt, sugar and build ups from this weekend and keep moving onward.

Detox the brain of negative thoughts. Detox the body of the Easter abundance. That is a resurrection in of itself.

Onward!

Water + light = Resurection.
*by Izzy B. via Paper on Easter Sunday