16 miles just happened.

A Book Barn omen for my  weekend 16 or my current mindset?

One of my goals for training for this marathon & running in general is to have as little disruption to my family life as possible.  That means, running while the majority of Z's are getting their zzzz's and not skipping runs so I turn into an irritable, cranky mamaB. So this marathon-training go-around, rather than head out for a long run (group run, in winter) on a Saturday morning and get home around lunchtime, I've been running early, early or late, late or on my lunch break and often, I'm running solo. The question is as the runs get longer, how does one "squeeze in" the long ones if you aren't as fast as Kara Goucher?

This week the training plan called for 16 miles.

Believe me, I really want to be like, "Yeah, 16 miles! No biggy. Been there, I can hack it."  And then when it was done....  "Wow!  16 miles!  It was so fun! awesome! [insert motivational enthusiasm here!]"

but.this.was.brutal.

Hot. Humid. Alone in my head.

My first attempt at 16 was Saturday night. I made a double figure 8 like- loop route sticking within a 5ish mile radius of our house and left it up on the laptop screen so David knew where I would be. I wanted to try out my faux camelbak backpack hydration pack so I strapped it on and headed out.

Within a 1/2 mile my shoulders were already rubbing raw. (Note: only use hydration pack with a t-shirt, not great with with a Nike Tank) Back home for the fuel belt.  When I got in the door I was sweating buckets and it wasn't going anywhere.  I hadn't even gone a mile.  It was so hot & humid, I aborted the mission and decided to go to bed with a second attempt in the morning.

Second attempt. Sunday, 4:30 am.

I'm up sans alarm and convinced myself that the only way I was going to make it to 26.2 miles in October (and to church on time) was by putting these miles in and that meant getting out of bed. Now.

Rather than re-map a route, I decided to keep the same one from the previous night even though I knew staying within 5 miles of the house felt like I could bail at any time. It was a risk.

Out the door and the morning was even more humid, but not as hot. At 3 miles I was really ready to call it quits and go back to bed. It was just so incredibly icky, soupy, soggy mess. I turned on one of the side streets and started to head back.

I was miserable. Miserable hot and miserable that I could even think of giving up so easily.  And well, just miserable. (see silly game.)

Then I thought, "shoot, what if David needs me (even though it was 5am and why would he need me at 5am?! unless...well....but I mean in an emergency.), I'm not where I said I would be." So I got back on the route and debated just heading home via the last leg.

As I complained I figured I would just keep moving forward --- in the opposite direction, away from the place I so desperately wanted to be, where I craved to be, people and out of my own head, anywhere by here. Each complaint was answered with, "just to the end of this street, ok, to the next street."  "Are your legs ok? Yes? Are you sore, no? Then keep moving."

About 9 miles in, I hit the end of the street with my second 5 mile loop + 2 miles home staring me in the face, I was ready one more time to turn around and just head the 2 miles home.

I started the loop.

I couldn't even look at the road in front of me.

I started to stare at my feet.

One step. Two step. One step. Two step.

I started to daydream about the this mirage, a water fountain I thought I saw during the first loop on the golf course next to the side of the road. Just 3 more miles confirm/deny said mirage.

It really was a water fountain!
 
I was at the end of the loop and on my way home.  I found my yurbud I lost and spent a good searching for in the rain on Tuesday night!  Huzzah!

And then on the hill up to my house, I look at my watch. I realized 16 miles just happened. 16 miles just happened???

3 hours of really, really hard happened.

I love running so much. I really, really wanted this run to help get me out of this running in place feeling in my head. I really wanted this run to make me feel complete pumped, ready to tackle anything.  The run was more like something really, really hard with intermittent places of joy that I can latch on to and remember.

When I finished, I know there were 3 hours of hard, sure, but I what I really hold onto most are these 3 things:

1. 1. It was important to be where I told David I would be. 
2. 2. I found water! 
3. 3. I found my lost yurbud!

When I am in it, when I am in that dark, horrible death spiral of discontent and it seems so incredibly hard to get out of it, I just want to turn back and crawl back under the covers.  It is so easy to feel the hard.  I want the things and the people that I love to pull me out of it. But I need to just keep moving. I need to do it. Me.

One step. Two step. One step. Two step.

And soon, the really, really hard happens, I am home and I chose to what to remember.

Silly game.

Happiness is the journey from Point A to Point B, right? 

All those tips and tricks I said I was going to do on Friday, I did them. Drank water, planned my meals, ate an awesome egg chard breakfast Sat morning, tracked my weekend wine, stayed away from the pancakes,  went for a long run, and most importantly, the Monday morning beating up game...it didn't happen. Nope. So....Yay!

Yet, somehow this weekend I played a different game. I played the "happier if...." game. That is a terrible, terrible game. Even with all that positivity around my eating, (or maybe *because* I didn't use food as the outlet....) I still played that awful game.

Maybe you know it? Maybe you play it? For me, it sometimes goes like this....

I'd be happier if my tan skirt would fit.
I'd be happier if my daughter would go to bed on time.
I'd be happier if my pace was faster.
I'd be happier if we had more space.
I'd be happier if my boss/partner/child/friend would just.....

STOP!

Before I even say what is on my mind and further hurt anyone or be even more ashamed of myself, I will stop and recognize this awful game for what it is worth.  One that gets me deeper into the death spiral of discontent.

I may not be able to stop the struggle entirely, but I did do a couple things that made a dent. It's a start.

1. I fixed the bedroom bookshelf, cleaned up the clutter in our bedroom and organized the closet. One space ready.

2. I wrote down all the things my spouse does that makes ALL of our lives, especially mine, easier. 

3. I told him how grateful I am for said things. 

4. I smiled at myself in the bathroom mirror.  (This may seem odd, but I think it works. I notice how when I smaile at others they smile back and we all feel better.  I wondered what would happen if I actually smiled at myself rather than scowl and think of all the things I could be doing better.) 

5. I went for a run. 

On days like this , I am reminded that it isn't about playing silly games, judging ourselves or beating ourselves up when we fail but the process of living and learning and getting back up.  Maybe that is what being happy is.  Maybe it is about getting there, the process, not the end in itself.  The journey is the goal. Mary Oliver got it spot on.

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice --

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do --

determined to save

the only life you could save. 

The Journey by  Mary Oliver

As for this week's stats:
79 Activity Points (All eaten too!)
Ate all my weeklies but 3
Ate all my dailies
Ran 41 miles (87 for the month of July woot!)
Did 152 pushups (Though based on the last class, I wasn't getting low enough so now I am going to start over with the 100 pushup challenge. This time with a 2in book to hit. So this number will most likely be lower next week....BUT they'll be "real" pushups.)

The Dreaded Weekend.

Yes, the dreaded weekend. Blasphemous! How dare I dread the weekend?!

Ok, not all of it is dreaded.  The time with my sweet love, my family, friends, going to the pool, a long run or working on a home project certainly isn't dreaded, not to mention the time away from work....but the lack of structure, the non-existent outlook reminders, the missing packed breakfast, lunch and snacks make food choices so.darn.difficult on the weekends and sometimes, yes, makes me dread weekends.

Maybe it is boredom or that my planner and my little tracker is not right in front of me the way it is on my desk, or maybe it is that I am around the kids' food and the pantry and the leftover franken-crusts, but whatever the reason, weekends and food are so tough. Or it could be that for me....

STRUCTURE = CONTROL

I am sure I am not the only one that feels this way. So if I am going to be on-program, really, really on-program I need some handy-dandy tips & advice to keep me mindful, present and the inevitable calling from the pantry --- "Chrrrisssty....come eat this coooornbreadd.....then granola then nutella+pb+banana covered tortilla then the camp snacks then...."

So here are some of the things I'm going to work to follow this weekend:

• Eat a good breakfast.  During the week, I take my breakfast to work, which is usually greek yogurt & granola.  On the weekends, I get to cook...yay!  Except sometimes the kids really want pancake....oh irresistible!  I struggle to stay in portion control here.  So, for me, I am going to stick with my favorite green eggs concoction. 1 whole egg + 2 whites scrambled with sauteed onions and chard from the garden with EVOO, sea salt & pepper.  Gets the veggies in early!  And if the lovebugs want pancakes, fine, but I'll be freezing the remaining to keep me from nibbling away.

• Drink Water. Lots of it!  One of my biggest pitfalls on the weekends is that I forget to drink water.  Seems silly, but I do. And then I get migraines from not drinking enough or I have terrible run from dehydration.  During the week I drink plenty.  My office is 10 ft from the water cooler, so there is no excuse at work.  And added bonus, what better way to get up and away from your desk than to head to the loo.  (Must be the London Olympics influencing me.) But at home, I forget.  So here is my plan  Set my phone alarm to go off every hour and make sure I get a swig. That is, until night time when I'll switch to the wine. Who needs alarm then!

• Plan.  I love church, but coffee hour can be excruciating for introverts like me people with food issues like me.  Granted, we do lots of whole food, vegan type stuff - No Vienna Fingers here!  But still portions and finishing the kids food so it isn't wasted is my MO.  So a couple things I'll do here: Stick with the veggies, keep some weeklies or APs available, chose the small plate, or none and use a napkin and really, truly track. You bite it, you write it. Being grateful and really thinking about where the food comes from helps too.

There are several more tips I can think of, but frankly, I know myself well enough that if I make my list too long and overwhelming I'll have a harder time following it.  So, I will commit to cooking a good breakfast Sat morning, drink water, and plan to an extent for the inevitable snacking (and that bottle of wine....over the whole weekend of course!). 

Lastly, come Monday, I vow not to beat myself up if I don't follow these tips to a T.  

Yesterday's Stats

26+15 PPV eaten 

14 APs earned. (8 miles of h-u-m-i-d swamp-thing run worth of APs!) 

Marking Progress.

One of the things that bothered me about my life on Weight Watchers was the connection to the scale. Sure, WW does promote 'NSV' (Non-Scale-Victories) but so much of what Weight Watcher is, is well...Weight. 


And if there ever was a a Watcher of Weight, it was me. 


My self worth  and my mood seemed tied to the scale. If it was down, I was up. If it was up, I was down.  Yo-yo dieting is more like yo-yo moods!  Somehow stepping on this battery operated measurement thing some how changed me even though it was just reporting the facts. 


It changed me because I let it.  

Meetings have certainly changed over time, sure, we still weigh in, but you don't have to go around the room saying if you were up or down that week like we did when I started WW the first time10 years ago. (Sheesh that was painful...yes, both the room thing and admitting I've been at this for 10 years!)

Even though the meetings aren't what they used to be, I want to take it a step further.  This go around, I am going to try hard to focus more attention on NSVs and measure my success in other ways. It worked well when I did couch-to-5k (clearly) so a new 6 week challenge is in order.

Pushups. 

We do them every so often in my strength training class and every.single.time we do them (after the initial groan) I say, I really need to do between classes. So here is my chance. 


Here is how the 6week One Hundred Pushup program works - First you take an initial push test to see how many (in good form!) you can do in a row.  Then the next day you start your W1D1 (Week1 Day1) set based on your initial test.  There are 5 sets and a rest between each set with the last set maxing you out doing as many pushups as you can.  


There are only 3 workouts per week, so adding several pushups at the end of a run or before bed feels really doable and I think a better way to track progress. So I stared this week.  After the initial test, which I did 14 good-form pushups in a row (not bad) I did W1D1  yesterday. 

DAY 1 REST 60 SECONDS BETWEEN EACH SET (LONGER IF REQUIRED)
	up to 5 push ups	6 - 10 push ups	11 - 20 push ups
SET 1	2	6	10
SET 2	3	6	12
SET 3	2	4	7
SET 4	2	4	7
SET 5	max (at least 3)	max (at least 5)	max (at least 9)

Accountability is key, so here is me being accountable. Who wants to join me in being accountable and do the 100 push up challenge? 

Yesterday's Accountability Stats:
36 PPV eaten
9 APs earned
W1D1 hundred pushup challenge: 10/12/7/7/9 = 45 pushups

Getting with the program. Again.

For someone who states right up front at the top of this blog about losing weight using Weight Watchers, I have avoided actually going to a meeting for about a year now. I hit goal for the 3rd time in August 2009 and I still weighed in each month for the next 2 years. I did so for a few different reasons: 1. It was easy - we had WW at work. 2. I wanted to keep my LT standing. 3. It was free (as long as I was at or 2lb over goal) 4. I liked being able to pay it forward - I was motivated by those that lost & maintained and I wanted to show that it could be done. 5. It kept me accountable.

WW @ work stopped and I missed a monthly weigh in. I didn't want to pay. I thought I could just maintain on my own. But the further away I got from each of those motivations I mentioned above, the harder it was to get back. And the scale started to creep up. Sure, I am currently in a health weight range, but I am noticing a pattern and I am not ready to go down that slippery slope. I don't want to have a blog that describes me as "a mom of 2 that lost 60lbs 4 times over"; Three times is plenty, thank you very much!

Yet because I am in a "healthy" weight range it was actually harder to admit that there is a problem here. I'm not overweight. I'm only 3.2 lbs above my "official goal" (that is the goal I picked back when I was 210 lbs.) I am not looking to be uber skinny. So why go back to Weight Watchers?

I think for a couple reasons: I am tired of the cycle of listening to the "trying to be good" vs. "lighten up" voices in my head, those darn shoulds I fight so hard against: 

"You should really track"

"oh, lighten up it is just one chocolate" (which turned to 14)

"you ran 10 miles, you can eat that."

"you are going to run 10 miles, you can eat that." 

It became about the food and if I was "good" or "bad".  

This time on Weight Watchers, I made a simple shift, it isn't about what I look like, or what I weigh but to what I am going to eat that is going to best serve my body so that I can do all the things that I want to do and feel good doing them?

I want to run. Far. I want to be strong, both mentally and physically. I want to fuel my body with the foods to help me do that and fuel my mind with the positive thoughts that come with making positive choices.  If that means shutting the shoulds up by getting back on program, then so be it.  

Yesterday:

33 PPV eaten

7 APs earned