August 01, 2012

Silly game.

Happiness is the journey from Point A to Point B, right? 

All those tips and tricks I said I was going to do on Friday, I did them. Drank water, planned my meals, ate an awesome egg chard breakfast Sat morning, tracked my weekend wine, stayed away from the pancakes,  went for a long run, and most importantly, the Monday morning beating up didn't happen. Nope. So....Yay!

Yet, somehow this weekend I played a different game. I played the "happier if...." game. That is a terrible, terrible game. Even with all that positivity around my eating, (or maybe *because* I didn't use food as the outlet....) I still played that awful game.

Maybe you know it? Maybe you play it? For me, it sometimes goes like this....
I'd be happier if my tan skirt would fit.
I'd be happier if my daughter would go to bed on time.
I'd be happier if my pace was faster.
I'd be happier if we had more space.
I'd be happier if my boss/partner/child/friend would just.....


Before I even say what is on my mind and further hurt anyone or be even more ashamed of myself, I will stop and recognize this awful game for what it is worth.  One that gets me deeper into the death spiral of discontent.

I may not be able to stop the struggle entirely, but I did do a couple things that made a dent. It's a start.

1. I fixed the bedroom bookshelf, cleaned up the clutter in our bedroom and organized the closet. One space ready.
2. I wrote down all the things my spouse does that makes ALL of our lives, especially mine, easier. 
3. I told him how grateful I am for said things. 
4. I smiled at myself in the bathroom mirror.  (This may seem odd, but I think it works. I notice how when I smaile at others they smile back and we all feel better.  I wondered what would happen if I actually smiled at myself rather than scowl and think of all the things I could be doing better.) 
5. I went for a run. 

On days like this , I am reminded that it isn't about playing silly games, judging ourselves or beating ourselves up when we fail but the process of living and learning and getting back up.  Maybe that is what being happy is.  Maybe it is about getting there, the process, not the end in itself.  The journey is the goal. Mary Oliver got it spot on.

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save. 

The Journey by  Mary Oliver

As for this week's stats:
79 Activity Points (All eaten too!)
Ate all my weeklies but 3
Ate all my dailies
Ran 41 miles (87 for the month of July woot!)
Did 152 pushups (Though based on the last class, I wasn't getting low enough so now I am going to start over with the 100 pushup challenge. This time with a 2in book to hit. So this number will most likely be lower next week....BUT they'll be "real" pushups.)

1 comment:

Carolina John said...

those are still all great stats! When you plan to get the "if only"'s taken care of and execute the plan like that, the tan skirt will fit in time. Stay optimistic out there and you'll do great!