January 10, 2017

Snow White Lies

I know what she is thinking:
"At least this apple is zero points....".
It has been awhile since I posted. I kept meaning to, but I kept getting side tracked or didn't really have anything to say. Or didn't have anything I felt was worth posting. And then "the blog" became another burden. The LAST thing in the world I want this to be is a burden. This is something I want to do...I love to do...I need to do. I need to write. I have hope that it helps me and hopefully other people. And if not, well, so be it.

Last night, my husband and I had a long conversation about a lot of things, but one of the things was around food. It just sort of just popped up. I didn't mean for it to come up, but it just did. And as soon as I started talking, it just all came out. Stuff I didn't even realize I was carrying.  I finally put the bags down.

During training for the marathon, I ate a lot, but I was burning off a ton of calories. It was kind of like my permission to eat, just like I had permission to eat when I was pregnant or nursing. Only this time because of all the calories I was burning, I stayed relatively in my healthy weight range.

But since my structure via a detailed excel spreadsheet that tells me what to do when and for how long  my training ended, I've been in this weird binge-y thing. I eat a good breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner and finish each meal satisfied, full.  I don't need to eat more.  But then the post-dinner thing happens. I really don't want to eat after I put the kids to bed, but I am afraid I'll be hungry later, so I keep going back to the pantry for a few more handfuls of something before heading upstairs. It isn't junk, but if we had junk, I would be eating it.

Once they are in bed, I make bargains with myself:

"Ok, you can have corn bread or a1/2 bagel."  


Then I eat the 1/2 bagel. 

"You can run it off tomorrow."  "

But you already promised you'd run off the spoonful of nutella."

Screw it, just eat the damn 1/2 bagel.  You're fine.

Then I think it would taste even better with butter.  So I add butter to the other 1/2 bagel. Not even toasted, because 1.) it would take too long to wait and 2.) toasting produces a wonderful aroma and then I would be "caught"...like anyone would care if I toasted and ate 1/2 or a whole or a bag full of bagels with butter. So essentially, this proves that this isn't about enjoyment since CLEARLY a toasted bagel is WAY better than a plain 5 day old one.

The next morning, I weigh myself and see that the scale hasn't changed from the day before. I sigh a relief that  at least in didn't go up, then beat myself up in the shower, promise to write everything down today. But I don't write anything down.  I eat ok at work (packed lunches), come home in the evening and the whole cycle begins again. 

As I explain all this with tears streaming down my face, in shame and in thinking  he is going to think I want to lose more weight thing when I am at a healthy weight (oh there's the judgement again!), or that I am obsessing over food when I there are way more important things to focus on, he says, with no judgement in his voice: "Why didn't you tell me you were going through all this?  I am sad you didn't talk to me about this."

Thud. That was my heart, not my head.

It isn't the eating that bothered him - he could care less what I eat! It was the keeping it from him. The feelings. The eating. I kept not only the food stuff a secret, but the feelings around it too. Why is it that I felt the need to go through all this struggle on my own, internally, in secret?

I know what is going on. I know this is just a cover-up of some bigger things lurking. 

Training for the marathon was a lifesaver in terms of structure. But it also distracted me from other un-resolved issues. The marathon is done now. No structure, so eating is the task. I know there are some stresses and issues that I am struggling with and food either tastes better than the ick inside, provides something to do (bored eater?) or is even a bit of self-sabotage of all the "work" I did to get at this weight.  

All these things also come at a time when I started reading Anne Lamott's Grace (Eventually).  Perfect timing really. The other day I read this passage and was reminded of it today:  
"No matter how much of our time is spent in pursuit of physical beauty, even to great success, the Mirror on the Wall will always say, ‘Snow White lives’, and this in fact is a lie – Snow White is a fairy tale. Lies cannot nourish or protect you. Only freedom from fear, freedom from lies, can bake us beautiful, and keep us safe."
She goes on:
“To step into beauty, does one have to give up on losing a little weight? No, of course not. Only if you’re sick of suffering. Because if you cannot see that you’re okay now, you won’t be able to see it if you lose twenty pounds. It’s an inside job.” 
I have an inside job to do. And maybe by writing this down, I can let some of it go.  It isn't in secret when you post it on a blog.

"...and the truth will set you free." John 8:32
"'And may the free make others free'" from Anne Lamott