August 14, 2012

Oh my gosh, a garden post!

This summer we decided to forgo the CSA (hence no Friday's Drawers) and instead stick with BJs (they have a good selection of organics and now local produce), the garden, and supplement with our local  farmers market.  It isn't a huge market, but they have a good selection and are there every Sunday from 1-5 which is the perfect time for me and littles to browse and sniff cilantro and dill and peaches.

And what we don't get from the farmers market, I pick from the garden. This year is my second year with a plot at work and I would say it's been pretty successful.  I learned what we liked from our farm share last year and made sure to plant those things.  So we have lots of kale, chard, basil, tomatoes and a single pepper plant.  I just put in beets for the fall since I am loving this summer borscht Molly sent along.  (Will post this amazing recipe soon. Promise.)  Though, it won't be summer borscht by the time they come up, I think I can still get a good portion of the ingredients....hmm... I hadn't thought about that.  Roasted beets are always good too. 

Anyway, here are some pictures of the garden.  It is so nice to be around green after sitting in front of a computer screen all day.  I love going out and picking the cherry tomatoes for my salad and put them in right then an there.  But I have to remember to NOT do what I did the day I took these pictures....go out with said salad, already dressed, (the salad, not me...wait, I was dressed too, I mean...anyway) with dressing on the salad, set it down and instead of just picking tomatoes and going on my merry way, picking weeds too only to find a dressed salad completely cooked.  From fresh spinach to steamed in the August heat.  Oh well.  I still ate it anyway.  
Boatloads of basil!
Can I just say how I love the smell of my hands after picking the heads off all the basil!  If only they were made of mozzarella and olive oil instead.

I just got back from a run.  I think I am hungry.
Kale, chard, and peppers
Kale chips!

First time with tomatoes
I have never grown tomatoes before.  Cherries, yes, but my tomato plants have never survived.  I am so excited to have 5 plants with about a dozen fruits on them.  Yes!  

August 10, 2012

16 miles just happened.

Book Barn omen for my  weekend 16 or my current mindset?
One of my goals for training for this marathon & running in general is to have as little disruption to my family life as possible.  That means, running while the majority of Z's are getting their zzzz's and not skipping runs so I turn into an irritable, cranky mamaB. So this marathon-training go-around, rather than head out for a long run (group run, in winter) on a Saturday morning and get home around lunchtime, I've been running early, early or late, late or on my lunch break and often, I'm running solo. The question is as the runs get longer, how does one "squeeze in" the long ones if you aren't as fast as Kara Goucher?

This week the training plan called for 16 miles.

Believe me, I really want to be like, "Yeah, 16 miles! No biggy. Been there, I can hack it."  And then when it was done....  "Wow!  16 miles!  It was so fun! awesome! [insert motivational enthusiasm here!]"


Hot. Humid. Alone in my head.

My first attempt at 16 was Saturday night. I made a double figure 8 like- loop route sticking within a 5ish mile radius of our house and left it up on the laptop screen so David knew where I would be. I wanted to try out my faux camelbak backpack hydration pack so I strapped it on and headed out.

Within a 1/2 mile my shoulders were already rubbing raw. (Note: only use hydration pack with a t-shirt, not great with with a Nike Tank) Back home for the fuel belt.  When I got in the door I was sweating buckets and it wasn't going anywhere.  I hadn't even gone a mile.  It was so hot & humid, I aborted the mission and decided to go to bed with a second attempt in the morning.

Second attempt. Sunday, 4:30 am.

I'm up sans alarm and convinced myself that the only way I was going to make it to 26.2 miles in October (and to church on time) was by putting these miles in and that meant getting out of bed. Now.

Rather than re-map a route, I decided to keep the same one from the previous night even though I knew staying within 5 miles of the house felt like I could bail at any time. It was a risk.

Out the door and the morning was even more humid, but not as hot. At 3 miles I was really ready to call it quits and go back to bed. It was just so incredibly icky, soupy, soggy mess. I turned on one of the side streets and started to head back.

I was miserable. Miserable hot and miserable that I could even think of giving up so easily.  And well, just miserable. (see silly game.)

Then I thought, "shoot, what if David needs me (even though it was 5am and why would he need me at 5am?! unless...well....but I mean in an emergency.), I'm not where I said I would be." So I got back on the route and debated just heading home via the last leg.

As I complained I figured I would just keep moving forward --- in the opposite direction, away from the place I so desperately wanted to be, where I craved to be, people and out of my own head, anywhere by here. Each complaint was answered with, "just to the end of this street, ok, to the next street."  "Are your legs ok? Yes? Are you sore, no? Then keep moving."

About 9 miles in, I hit the end of the street with my second 5 mile loop + 2 miles home staring me in the face, I was ready one more time to turn around and just head the 2 miles home.

I started the loop.

I couldn't even look at the road in front of me.

I started to stare at my feet.

One step. Two step. One step. Two step.

I started to daydream about the this mirage, a water fountain I thought I saw during the first loop on the golf course next to the side of the road. Just 3 more miles confirm/deny said mirage.

It really was a water fountain!
I was at the end of the loop and on my way home.  I found my yurbud I lost and spent a good searching for in the rain on Tuesday night!  Huzzah!

And then on the hill up to my house, I look at my watch. I realized 16 miles just happened. 16 miles just happened???

3 hours of really, really hard happened.

I love running so much. I really, really wanted this run to help get me out of this running in place feeling in my head. I really wanted this run to make me feel complete pumped, ready to tackle anything.  The run was more like something really, really hard with intermittent places of joy that I can latch on to and remember.

When I finished, I know there were 3 hours of hard, sure, but I what I really hold onto most are these 3 things:

  1. 1. It was important to be where I told David I would be. 
  2. 2. I found water! 
  3. 3. I found my lost yurbud!

When I am in it, when I am in that dark, horrible death spiral of discontent and it seems so incredibly hard to get out of it, I just want to turn back and crawl back under the covers.  It is so easy to feel the hard.  I want the things and the people that I love to pull me out of it. But I need to just keep moving. I need to do it. Me.

One step. Two step. One step. Two step.

And soon, the really, really hard happens, I am home and I chose to what to remember.

August 01, 2012

Silly game.

Happiness is the journey from Point A to Point B, right? 

All those tips and tricks I said I was going to do on Friday, I did them. Drank water, planned my meals, ate an awesome egg chard breakfast Sat morning, tracked my weekend wine, stayed away from the pancakes,  went for a long run, and most importantly, the Monday morning beating up didn't happen. Nope. So....Yay!

Yet, somehow this weekend I played a different game. I played the "happier if...." game. That is a terrible, terrible game. Even with all that positivity around my eating, (or maybe *because* I didn't use food as the outlet....) I still played that awful game.

Maybe you know it? Maybe you play it? For me, it sometimes goes like this....
I'd be happier if my tan skirt would fit.
I'd be happier if my daughter would go to bed on time.
I'd be happier if my pace was faster.
I'd be happier if we had more space.
I'd be happier if my boss/partner/child/friend would just.....


Before I even say what is on my mind and further hurt anyone or be even more ashamed of myself, I will stop and recognize this awful game for what it is worth.  One that gets me deeper into the death spiral of discontent.

I may not be able to stop the struggle entirely, but I did do a couple things that made a dent. It's a start.

1. I fixed the bedroom bookshelf, cleaned up the clutter in our bedroom and organized the closet. One space ready.
2. I wrote down all the things my spouse does that makes ALL of our lives, especially mine, easier. 
3. I told him how grateful I am for said things. 
4. I smiled at myself in the bathroom mirror.  (This may seem odd, but I think it works. I notice how when I smaile at others they smile back and we all feel better.  I wondered what would happen if I actually smiled at myself rather than scowl and think of all the things I could be doing better.) 
5. I went for a run. 

On days like this , I am reminded that it isn't about playing silly games, judging ourselves or beating ourselves up when we fail but the process of living and learning and getting back up.  Maybe that is what being happy is.  Maybe it is about getting there, the process, not the end in itself.  The journey is the goal. Mary Oliver got it spot on.

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save. 

The Journey by  Mary Oliver

As for this week's stats:
79 Activity Points (All eaten too!)
Ate all my weeklies but 3
Ate all my dailies
Ran 41 miles (87 for the month of July woot!)
Did 152 pushups (Though based on the last class, I wasn't getting low enough so now I am going to start over with the 100 pushup challenge. This time with a 2in book to hit. So this number will most likely be lower next week....BUT they'll be "real" pushups.)