So this is a resilience post. My resilience started a long long time ago, but my most recent one started last week. I can explain.
Somehow in all the changes that have taken place this year - starting a new job, going solo on my teaching job, officially out of the "littles-stage" with the kids old enough for all day school, losing my step-dad James - I still managed to complete 2 half marathons this year in May and October ---whoooo me---- yet somehow, this freshmen year at my new place didn't get me the freshman 15, but the freshman 40.
Yes. You heard me. Forty.
I maintained my goal weight for FOUR years. Then graduated and with that I found 40 pounds in a 10 month time frame. I guess it is good I trained and ran 2 half marathons this year or otherwise I'd be on my way to losing 60lbs 4 times over. Bright side???
It isn't the pounds so much that bother me, but how I got there, eating quick foods, leftover second lunches, sugar, sugar and more sugar and not able to stop the nightly ritual pantry raid.
The failure. The shame. The embarrassment.
When I started to get fed up with myself I went back to old habits. Unlimited diet soda and freezer full of lean cuisines. Frankenfood.
It didn't work. I gained 10 more pounds.
Anne Lamott knows this well. Recently she posted a cautionary tale for all those planning to diet on Jan 1. "Oh, you are going on a diet? How much do you plan on gaining?"
Like Anne, when it comes to some foods and such, I don't have a. "off" switch.
So I am taking my resilient self and I am turning off sugar, franken foods and this go around I will learn to LOSE myself in the outer aisle so I can maintain once again. It is much easier for me to stop the sugar roller coaster if I don't start in the first place.
I'll leave you with the words of Sister Lamott that have served me well in my 30 something's.
"It's really okay, though, to have (or pray for) an awakening around your body. It's okay to stop hitting the snooze button, and pay attention to what makes you feel great about yourself, one meal at a time. It's an inside job. If you are not okay with yourself at 185, you will not be okay at 150, or even 135. The self-respect and serenity you long for is not out there. It's within. I hate that. I resent that more than I can say. But it's true."
To all the beloveds, you. We are resilient. It IS an inside job. And we do have it in us. Just watch. For me, my inside job is in the outer aisles, so back there I will go.